What if I let myself be vulnerable?

What if I let myself be vulnerable?


I stick my head out the window, and its quiet.

No texts or calls tonight. No chat. Id forgotten there was a world out there. For a moment

I forget my place

and simultaneously, I remember.

The sky is pale orange and the moon behind a layer of misty cloud.

No responsibility. No I O Us. What do I owe you?
The peace of the moment allows me to tune in.
The peace of you not being here.
Did I forget myself?
There is no one around to put me in my place.

Maybe I truly am introvert.
This is the only place I have ever been myself.

The late night trips. Moments where I check in "Is everything ok? Is everything ok?"
Yes Im fine.

Why are you worrying?
A dialogue between me and the only me that ever existed.
But did I let you in?

I try. Sometimes, there is no try. Sometimes, you have to give up. By giving in, you make way, for yourself. I hate to try.
It is breaking me to try!!
All the time, day after day.
And I feel like running away.
From the life I created for myself.
To be where?
Back to this place.

When I stick my head out the window, sometimes it seems the world is so very big and I am alone in it.
And sometimes, I realise I am all I ever needed, everything I could ask for is here already. And was always. And what did I ever really need?
To run away, is to find this bit of me, and try and stay with it, true. So that I can write again. So I can write from that place that all the real stuff always is.
And there is no try.

I need to be reminded, again and again. Cos no one really knows, what I am talking about.
But when I play my tunes, they can feel what I feel.

Daily News

I read the daily newspapers because I long to be disgusted.

Beach Tunes. 1980s-present.

In the muck

Look at my hand in the muck, in front of everybody, when you're not even at my table.

You did leave my room tidy.

Buy more food.

Left cables tidy, shower curtain drawn, bed neat.

R.I.P.

My memories lie with you.

And that's pretty heavy.

Micko

You have a strong belief in the pain. I think it's what you learn in the pain that makes you good.
 If you can have awareness you can be good.

 You can be in pain and still suck ;)x

Cos (you want me to)

If you want me to
If you want me to
its always the same answer
Your actions dont add up to the way
you say you feel about me

 Do I feel better cos i spent the day alone?
Without you?
Cos you let me down & i feel stronger
having bailed myself out
& realising i dont need you to be there
that we can be casual & i dont need
 to expect from you what you can not
 offer

Is it just laziness
Or insecurity? that you really arent
sure if i wanted to see you surely if you were sure of your own
feelings that would override any
insecurity. I think it's just laziness
lack of concern, convenience.
I'm ok with that actually.
Stop pretending we're something we're
not.

Vic

You created this life and I can not imagine a harder thing than to have lost it, especially in this way.
 The emptiness you feel is massive and will remain for some time. But not forever.
Your life is still here and now. Tho his is gone, the memories never will be.
And any time you need to feel him close, just talk to him in your mind and you will hear his answers. The bond you have will never be broken. And he left 3 amazing boys to honour his memory. An amazing thing.
 Life is vast. This pain may be everything right now. But it will pass, because everything in life surely does. Love x x x x x x x x

April

The places we invent in our heads when we dream.
 A mixed up April day
 To wake and feel full of you too much in this room.